I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
