dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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