My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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