he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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