clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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