Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm too high and old for this...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
