Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
