at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
