He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
