so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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