My friends, they love my intelligence
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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