her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
