In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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