So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
