He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
