I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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