I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
