matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
