So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
