Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
