I skipped work to stalk him.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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