I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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