I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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