She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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