she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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