I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
