My sheets look like a crime scene.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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