please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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