i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
