i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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