I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
