I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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