The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
