Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
