You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
