why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
