Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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