There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
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