I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
