She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
