my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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