sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
