if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
