if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
