I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
