9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
