Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
