you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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