I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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