she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
